Attraction

I am writing because I can’t sleep- the girl with mono can’t sleep. I have been thinking about attraction. Moreover, things, or people, I am attracted to. I have finally pinpointed WHY I am attracted.

CONFIDENCE.

Not the type I have, which is fueled by my friends or how many things I am doing, but that cocky, self-righteous, “I am fucking awesome” type of confidence. Internal. I am attracted because that is the kind of person I like to view myself as. However, I have come to find since the end of last year and the beginning of this one (and mono) that I am much more confident when I have people surrounding me to watch my act. To ACT cocky around, to BE witty with and to HAVE cool adventures with. Without the people, I have no motivation to be confident.

This sounds emo and depressing. I am not being emotional. This is a logical train of thought actually, a discovery, and I am going to work on becoming (without the audience) the self-confident, motivated, independent person I am attracted to. Obviously being around people is tons more fun and a natural energy and confidence booster, but recently I have been just downright awkward.

Another point- I don’t know what my friendship status is with some of the people I thought would be in my life for a very long time. It is confidence reducing. Not to be dramatic, but am going to be dramatic and say that I have been replaced by cooler more confident people, and my “friends” no longer have a use for me. Oh sure I am entertaining in short stretchs of time, and I am excellent to be nostalogic with, but they have proceeded to as I said “cooler friends.” And to be frank I HATE being the back-up. The back-up friend, the fall-back girl, second string, the rebound person. No thank you. I will stick with the handful of people who genuinely like me.

SO, The entire point of this is I am going to start being attractive for me. It would be nice to attract others but hell if it doesn’t work out and I only increase my own self-worth then I would be content to run off into the wilderness, start a cat reserve, and live off of Bollywood movies, Nutella, hummus, green beans, and the occasional Yogurt Park.

Sorry if you read this. Actually no more saying sorry (unless it is important). Apparently it is one of my most annoying habits.

Thanks for reading this :)

P.S. The last paragraph is probably my favorite run-on sentence of all time… that I have written.